On Vision

"If it is possible it must be attempted,
and I know it is possible because believing in my imagination of the future is as certain as believing in my past,
If it can be conceived it can be completed.
So we will stretch and we will strive with courage,
Because that is the way I love my God when I love my God.
Showing me a glimpse of his vision for the possibilities of our humanity.
In our Humanity he sees Heaven.
That is the way I love my God when I am loving my God.
He First Loved Me."


This is from the spring of my last year of college, I was beginning to understand the way I dream, the reason I dream, and where that leads us: my community and friends. We are told, given a passion, given a dream, given a task, given a desire, and so we stretch and courageously pursue it to its completion. We trust and obey, there simply isn't another way, method, or system to the pursuit of knowing and loving the divine and supernatural. We hear, and see what God is leading us to do, and we follow, that is how he leads us.

Lessons from Old People

The trees were changing color and I was on one of the many roads in America that leads to a place where people are birthed and passed away. Again like so many people, my grandparents were living into their late 70s, in fact my grandmother had turned 80 only a month before she had her stroke which sent her to the hospital and sent me on this road to visit the hospital that was sustaining and healing her life.



Several hallways of multicolored carpet and confetti-esque tile brought us-Unlce and Grandpa and me- to Grandma’s hospital room, which was already filled with balloons, flowers, and people.

She attempted to sit up and fix her hair as the one she has loved faithfully for decades walked into the room.

My grandfather, suffering from dementia, couldn’t even shave without the help of his loving wife. He could however, walk to the side of the bed of his recovering wife, place his hand on her forehead, grip her hand with the other, and sweep the hair out her eyes. Watching him do this; he stared back at his son, grandsons, daughter, and sister-in-law not recognizing most of us, and said, “Isn’t she beautiful,” then kissed her cheek whispering to her the confident and generous promise, “it is going to be alright.” He couldn’t find his car in the parking lot, he couldn’t understand what was actually going on, or what the doctors were saying, he could understand three simple things: Love, Hope, and Faith. He walked into that hospital room, not because he understood the circumstances, but because the one he loved was there, he could not survive without her. He saw what we all struggled to see: her beauty.

I knew, watching my grandfather, that I had witnessed the microcosm of the substantial changes that would shake and rattle this earth, and it was not what I had thought, and everything I was preparing to say fell away. I was in the very early stages of thoughts, inspiration, and revelations that would lead to the living actions of faithfulness, generosity, respect, and courage. I attempt those things because I live to know the realities, character, and person of my Jesus.

I want to understand the simple things, because-like my Granfather-I don't really understand much else...

Beginning of a Love Story

I started to write this story. I really like the beginning and how it starts:

This story takes place in a small town right off the interstate. It is a small place with few visitors, at least visitors that venture of the windy and noisy strip of gas stations, fast food, and motels into the streets of schools, churches, and neighborhoods. In this small town there is a love story that will not make you tear up in laughter or sadness. It will not be taught as tragedy or masterpiece in high school english classes, it will not be taught at all. It is a common love story and only those who know their story, or are a part of their story, or own this story will cry and clap in the end, the wedding. In this instance that is you, you are in this story, and it is your story, and you know it. All who hear it and believe in its love become a part of it. So we find ourselves in the most un-magical of love stories, in a town off the highway.

Update for Friends

For the thousands that subscribe to this blog let me update you on who I am now:

I am a ghost writer. I do research, write tests, assignments, and best of all storyline and content for a virtual reality online master's course called Business and Culture. I basically write a really intelligent computer game. It isn't like the dream, but it is totally the dream job of a guy who just graduated from college. The reason I am a ghost is because someone with actual knowledge and a PHD gets the credit and the final say on the course. I am not a "real" writer. Which is good, Im only 22.

I am a husband. I am one of those guys who looks like he is 20 and shouldn't be married and doesn't know anything about real life. In this case, the looks aren't decieving. Mirela and I are just figuring out how life really works. We are learning to "grow up" together. Buying Car and health insurance. I think the main challenge is "setting-up" all these things, never done that before. Mainly however, we are just having fun, getting to konw each other and figuring out how life together works. It is really beautiful.

I am a former SBUX employee. I just got tired of making drinks and being a drive through assistant. Plus, I got the other Job.

I am a trying to make new friends. We go to church a lot and really work hard to build new relationships. and really keep in touch with the old ones.

Interview

"sure, sure," PAUSE, "oh, Yeah" PAUSE, "I do have regrets,"

I can remember just months ago talking with only a handful of high school students asking them if they had any regrets, they said," no, Don't have regrets because every decision I have made has made me who I am," I was feeling clever and did not know what came over me, so I replied,"What if you don't like who you are?"

"sure, sure," PAUSE, "oh, Yeah" PAUSE, "I do have regrets,"

Now even more months forward I try to sum up my experience, but I wish that LA could sum up its experience with me. Yeah, sure, when I drove into LA it was my dream, it was what I had always wanted to do. Honestly, coming here had nothing to do with LA, it had everything to do with me. So I wonder, after ten weeks of having me here, does LA have any regrets.

I can imagine LA saying something like this:

"I wish we could have gotten to know each other much sooner. I wish you would have cared for me. I wish you didn't talk bad about me. I wish you saw me as a whole, as a thriving body of 12 million. I wish you would have seen me as Allan, as Dan, as Jose, as Ruhan, as Musako, as Ivan, as me, as every small part, significant. I wish you saw in my broken pieces potential friends. If I were a pool I wish you would have made your mark in me, a splash, But, even much more important, a splash in Allen's, Dan's, Jose's, Ruhan, and Musako's and Ivan's lives.

SPLASH

The city of Angels would continue:

"I could tell in the beginning, you weren't about me at all, that hurt, because you were here for me. But" PAUSE, "you transformed before my eyes." PAUSE, "and we saw each other, you began to dream of me as a city of light because you dreamed of pieces of my city as light." LA might end by saying, "we sure have changed, at least slightly since we met, perhaps more is going on here than you and me, I'm really glad you noticed it wasn't about you."

I would respond to LA, "I know." naturally since I am the one who made up LA's dialogue.

But there is so much dialogue that i did not make up that I will hold forever as life changing, changing in the sense that I am different, not in the sense that I am completely different. Conversations on the roof of the building, in the car, on the grass in Pasadena, in the office (though I did not know the office well). Dialogue on the APX lawn at USC, and at the white tables at URM.

"there is so much that I would change about BLANK" as I utter this phrase I know it reveals how I have been changed much. When I was living the things I would now change, I didn't think they should be changed. But they should, now I know, now they are SPACE changed.

God has been talking with me. I can recall a person asking Clive Staples Lewis, "why do you pray?" Lewis answered, "I pray not because I think it changes God but because it changes me."

OH how I will run, Yes Run!
Run for a prize, Yes the Prize!
PAUSE
For someone else, Yes I will Run!
For a City, for a nation, for a person, for humanity, I will not run for me!
Yes,
PAUSE
Christ runs through me.
Like the nervous system that controls the muscles, the motion, the feeling of the bottom of my feet against my soft shoes, like the heart that pounds out of my chest, and the lungs that cling to air, and the brain that rocks. Christ will run through me.
OH how He will run, Yes Run!
Run for a prize, Yes the Prize!
PAUSE
For someone else, Yes I will Run!
For a city, for a nation, for a person, for humanity. He will run for me!
It will be fast, it will hurt, it will be dangerous.
PAUSE
Oh Yeah
PAUSE
I do have regrets.
Yet
He has made me who I am
He has changed me through you, LA.

It isn't about SLASH for me, it is about SLASH for you.

The Finding Romance

As a five foot chubby adolescent I used to play in the courtyard below the building we lived in, it was one of eight fourteen story apartment buildings that all shared this small courtyard. In the middle of my playing my mom would shout my name from our balcony and I would come running to the door, my mom would “buzz” me in and I would run up the stairs to our apartment and my mom would carefully instruct me on the items we needed at the store and then hand me a 500 escudo note, about 2 US dollars. She would tell me that it is urgent and diner depends on it. Now on a mission, I would confidently stroll down the cobblestone walkway knowing that I was about to save diner, and nothing is more important than saving diner. Tonight, my cobblestone journey had purpose

When I reached the store I remembered that I was in search of oregano, which is a valiant spice, in many ways perfect and good. I would begin to go up and down the aisles, searching, scanning, on a mission. Then time would fly by and I still hadn’t found it. I would begin to feel awkward, walking through the store so long without finding anything. I would begin to fake shop, picking items up, looking at the ingredients. As my search continued I began to carry items that I had looked at, as if it was something I had come here to buy. But it wasn’t what I came for, I came for oregano. But then, suddenly the clouds of grocery stores opened and on the fourth shelf on the sixth aisle, next to the basil I saw the oregano. I carefully composed myself, dumped my decoys, knelt down picked up the spice, raised it high into the air in jubilation, then looked closely at my surroundings, I never wanted to forget where I had found the oregano. My heart skipped a beat, I had saved diner, and in all honesty, there is nothing like finding what you are looking for.

Our history is filled with great romance, Romeo and Juliet, Pride and Prejudice, You’ve got mail, Sleepless in Seattle, 10 things I hate about you, Casablanca, Hitch.

Single people, including guys, think about their one-day mate. They think about how soon that will be, they think about what they will be like, and “their story.” Because you want to have something good to say when people ask, “how did you two meet?” We want our story to be filled with suspense, humor, unbelievable circumstance and coincidence, we want drama that ends in a climactic embrace on a rainy day or spring evening. As guys, we want to propose in the coolest way possible, and girls want us to propose in the sweetest way possible. For us the finding of our mate is romance.

The finding is a huge industry. There are big bucks in helping strangers find each other and even bigger bucks from writing about it. People are searching so intensely for “him” or “her” that our lives are defined by the search. So much so that the quest and the finding is the most important part, it is the excitement of love. Finding, or falling in love, is in essence the purpose; we just want to find it. But what happens next? The after finding? Is the finding the end? It is in the movies, the final kiss is the climax, and the shots of the wedding during the credits is the resolution. Is finding what you have been searching for the Climax? Or is there life after finding? With Christians it seems we are satisfied for the sum of our faith to be found in the quest for finding God the very first time, for our “salvation” experience and journey to be the climax of our lives, followed by shots of happiness as our story is resolved. But I would say that finding, is much more like the inciting incident and the drama that follows is a life lived having found what you are looking for and the journey that takes place being found. The only thing that compares to finding what you are looking for is experiencing what you are looking for.

Day 2: Cowles, NM.

I began to be restless as the slightest bit of light from the sun peaked over the horizon line many miles away. You know that light blue feeling you get from inside the tent? That is about what it was like when I opened my eyes...for the first time. When I finally sat up and decided to start my day it was 6:30... I picked my clothes for this day carefully because A) I was hiking and B) I could wear whatever clothes deemed disrespectful by society ( and they were rightfully so)...

There was a hole in the jeans i chose, starting with the inseam and stretching almost to the outseam and 4 inches in width and two inches from my crotch. It was a massive hole, with one, not so large, on the other side. I also chose to wear a shirt from an organization I am in at college...even away from the campus it makes me feel cool....perhaps cooler. I put my shoes and socks on and stepped out into the tent, it was a whole new world of beauty, and I would trade that morning for anything I have in life. After getting over the beauty I packed my brand new day pack, which I continue to admire as I pack my pocket bible, moleskin, safety blanket, anorak, and small pipe into my bag. I fill a nalgene with water and deleted some photos of yesterday's picture to make room for today's. When I was fully prepared I calmly strolled out of our tiny camping civilization through the parking lot and onto the little road that leads to my morning experience.

I was looking for a small path. Even though I was certainly fine with not finding one and making my own, I found at the foot of 18 mph sign. I began as a steep climb but soon ran into a better path and then to and intersection of paths where I chose to go right (my goal at this point was to see the sun peak over the mountains). The path winding around the mountain and later phizlled out, so I create my own path and headed straight up through a hill with many rocks that form ledges that protruded. Finally with one glass lens fogging up and me cursing it I stopped, sat on a ledged and cleaned my glasses and drank some water. when I started up again, I realized I was only thirty yards from the summit. It was beautiful, I have never seen such layers of mountains and light and clouds. It was just before sunrise so I snapped a few pictures and explored the summit.

I came back just in time and packed my pipe and began to enjoy God creating a new day.

The sun was already up when I heard some twigs and leafs wrestling down below, but there was wind, and rocks i had disturbed on my way up as well as other logical explanations, so I laughed thinking, "oh, how some would be scared." The noise continued, then I saw a tiny mouse run by and I thought, "See, something harmless."

The sight of the mouse was followed by a half-growl/half purr that one would expect would come from a large cat. My heart pounded now, i sat very still, now puffing on my pipe rapidly. Then the scary noise occurred again, this time certainly from the way I had come up. So....I silently emptied my bowl on a rock and tiptoed away from the summit, going a new, unknown way.

Fear had taken over me. I began to realize that a cat would eat me and no one would ever know! I began to move faster questioning why God would lure us into beauty and only to kill us! The mountains and forest were so dangerous. You could die! Thinking more about this I suddenly lost my footing on a rock and gravity began to work against me before I grabbed a dead root that was still firm in the ground.

I heard the purr again only much further away.

Now I could see the part of the camp, but I could also see a bone of what used to be a hiker...I thought...I then declared the world to be a dangerous place! (not because of sin but God just created it that way!) I finally found the path and could see the intersection. My heart still raced.

Now I was thinking about the risk of life, the emotional, physical, spiritual risks of life. Again I decided life is dangerous. Not Christian life, but all life is beautiful, charming, mysterious, and majestic, but scary nonetheless. All of those elements of beauty....those elements can "kill" you. As I approached the intersection the fear was gone. I had decided that a glimpse of the beauty was worth the risk.

"I'm going to go to the left next time," I thought. Admiring the beauty/danger I came to the 18 mph sign, darted across the road and over a couple of logs that made a bridge across the water and right to the sight of my tent. Back to our tiny camping civilization. I grabbed my moleskin and noticed the moon (it was full and beautiful) high in the sky. morning was well under way.

*Every element of life is worth the danger it creates ( and the danger is real)
**in this case, I later realized that the danger was not real, it was bird, whose wings sound like a growl and purr as they flap. Then I thought, life is funny...